


Breath

by TaMeaut



Series: Connections [3]
Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015)
Genre: Angst, Armitage Hux - Freeform, Connections, Ever - Freeform, Hospital, Kylo Ren - Freeform, Kylux - Freeform, M/M, Personal Experience, Songfic, Star wars:the force awakens, Supernatural Elements, colored connections, sensitive readers beware, would not care to relive it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-09-17
Updated: 2016-09-17
Packaged: 2018-08-15 12:22:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,574
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8056156
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TaMeaut/pseuds/TaMeaut
Summary: How hard will you struggle to keep alive when everything is lost. Is the light drawing nearer in the vortex of someone’s blue-green eyes, or will you drown in eternal darkness?





	Breath

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [colored connections](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5631310) by [orphan_account](https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account). 



**Title** : Connections III: Breath  
**Series** : Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens  
**Soundtrack** : Breath: of Verona  
**Spoilers** : No  
**Time frame** : after end of movie  
**Summary** : How hard will you struggle to keep alive when everything is lost. Is the light drawing nearer in the vortex of someone’s blue-green eyes, or will you drown in eternal darkness?  
**Excerpt** : “ _Kylo doesn't want to be here anymore, he wants Hux's breath again, he wants his sweet clean horizon. Kylo wants to drown in the being that is Hux, until he can no longer emerge only Kylo Ren, but something in between._ ”  
**Pairings** : Hux/Kylo Ren  
**Word count** : ~4300  
**Rating** : ()  
**Warning** : The basis for this fic is a first-hand experience that I would not care to relive, set to the kylux-theme, so readers beware.  
**Other** : Songfic stand-alone continuation of Connections II: Super Human  
**Thanks** : Lyrics in _italic_ is “Breath” from “of Verona”. I have found inspiration to my writings all over Tumblr and I can't even remember half of it, so if you recognise anything (within reason) and want to be credited just let me know.

________________________________________________________________________________

  
“...General sir, in here. I have medical...”

 _Look into this mirror, tell me_  
_What do you see?_

He thought Death and all of his friends would have been hovering over him by now but instead it is a solitary angel with the steely unforgiving eyes of Hux. His kissable lips moving, saying something that Kylo cannot for the life of him hear, for his mind is drowning in words spoken by that same mouth in another time and place.

“I am insane... I am insane... I am insane... I am insane... I am insane... I am insane... I am insane...”

Kylo wants to curl up and cry like a lost child as Hux's quiet solemn words play on repeat in his foggy mind but instead he lies there all limp like a slowly dying jellyfish stranded on a beach. The memory of the grey-green clearness of Hux's eyes locked on his still cuts, as the revealing agony in those small words bleed through like a watercolour painting. Instead of the sneering comment that Kylo had thrown at him, he had wanted to grab those painfully hunched shoulders and let Hux know that he too was insane and that maybe they could be insane together and how that could perfectly beautiful, but somehow those weighted words never reached past his stiff lips. Just how his breath doesn't seem to go past them now.

“...not breathing we must...”

He wants desperately to go back to the forest of his defeat and just lie there in profound peace and watch grass-green fondness play in acute fervour across the darkening sky, as a sun dies and then is born again. He wants to take the hand that death is reaching out to him if only for to see what is next. He wants to slowly and carefully dissolve into soft nothingness only to become that star.  
Mostly he wants to curl up, cradle his hurting wounds and cry in desolate fear until he runs dry like a desert, but his body won't let him. It just won’t let him. Neither will Hux.

 _Beautiful can't begin to describe you_  
_Or what you mean to me_

“...get it off him, now.”

Everything is confusingly slow and brightly blurred and Kylo wants so badly to stand up and go and find Hux who is no longer in his field of vision, but something is holding him down. So he closes his eyelids, or so he wants to but they are not complying, frozen open, so he stops trying. Somehow it doesn’t seem important. Nothing does. He watches mesmerized how the light is sifted through his lashes and refracts of the tiny dying snowflakes sticking to them and it is so beautiful he could cry, or maybe he already is for his face feels wet. He wants to show Hux how beautiful it is. There are so many things he would like to show Hux, if only he would let him.  
Who would have thought that it could be so peaceful not having to suck air into your lungs.  
Then peace is torn from him as someone violently tears at him, shaking him like a broken doll, ripping at his already torn clothes and soul and Kylo wants to scream at them to stop so he can lie there in peace and die agonisingly slow while absorbed in fond memories of Hux.

His Hux. Has he ever told him? Kylo should have, when there was still time. Is there still time? Is he dying? Or maybe dead already? Somehow that too feels unimportant. Only Hux is important. For Hux is beautiful, as violently fierce as Kylo's broken crystal saber; all fizz and zapps that chars his hands but inherently glowing with a volcanic fire of its own untainted source. Kylo wants so badly to tap into that source, suck the marrow of it and let it glide over his teeth as he relish the savoury metallic taste on his tongue. The taste of blood comforts Kylo in ways he does not want to linger on for too long for it tugs at something important, something he is suppose to remember.  
He is lost trying to recall amidst the chaotic peace inside his mind.

 _Come a little closer to me_  
_Let me see you spin_

“...inititate in 3...2...1”

The world suddenly tilts violently to the left and he retches, his throat dust dry, mentally cursing whoever is steering this godforsaken planet, no – glorious weapon, he mentally corrects himself. Hux will never forgive him if he vomits on his precious weapon, the bright star of his eyes, his life achievement, the stepping stone to the throne. Hux on a gilded throne, looking down on Kylo, and the rest of the galaxy, with those eyes, reaching out touch his cheek with a gloved hand when...A hard slap to his face jolts Kylo on the inside but his body stubbornly refuses to acknowledge it and death grins in triumph, holding out his bony hand again, beckoning.

“Come on jerkface, BREATHE! Just BREATHE!”

Something slams into Kylo's chest surprisingly hard, compressing his ribs to the breaking point and he wants to lash out at whoever is making him so deliriously nauseous when he recognises Hux's stern voice through a cacophony of strange echoes.

“AGAIN!”

His emperor is giving him an order and he feels his mind stiffen in a deep need to comply, wants it so badly he could cry again but his body is still a dead lump of flesh, his mind gone so fast he has no time to react. Hux will punish him, he thinks before another series of jolt hits his chest with the force of a sledgehammer and he instinctively reaches out with his mind to the closest light he can find, as if one would in desperation grab anyone’s hand for comfort. Like human warmth somehow keeps death at bay. The shadow in the corner snickers but doesn’t step forward again, as if it is waiting for something...  
  
_Want to get inside of your mind_  
_I'll make you let me in_  
  
Inside Hux it is sharp white, impeccably pure, painstakingly clean - like a clinically disinfected laboratory. Kylo can feel himself relax in surprising comfort, like every bone in his body have melted, every muscle detached. The horizon stretches on forever in complete freedom and Kylo finds himself wondering where it ends or even if there is an end and even if there was an end would he really like to know it? It is such a difference from his jagged mountain ranges of emotions with hidden valleys of angst and un-climbable snowy peaks of euphoria and rage. It is so easy to move forward here. Kylo turns to look around. So easy to see the past.  
An Occam's razor of perfect focus is staring him in the face and Kylo finds himself shivering slightly as if a thin layer of frost is suddenly covering him.

“...hypothermia is severe, we are not equipped...”  
“… oh, for crying out loud… hold this...”

 _Open up your eyes_  
_To the possibilities_

Reality is even more brutal after the peace inside Hux and the intimacy of skin on skin makes Kylo want to draw a breath of chock but before he has the time to react he is sucked right back into the cottoned whiteness of before. A soft blanket of comfort and warmth.

“Ren...”

Kylo more feels than hears Hux call his name and he turns around to find the source, but nothing is there and Kylo shivers harder as his name still reverberates in his bones. He feels naked and exposed in this open landscape as if he is going to be swallowed whole by Hux's ice cold determination, yet the heat from around him seems to protects him. Like someone is holding him.

“REN...” There is eager panic in Hux's voice this time as if he is rejecting Kylo. “get out of my mind” and before Kylo can reply Hux is desperately clawing at his presence, tearing large gashes out of him. Is he that unwanted? Yes, yes. He always was. A flash of a long lost memory drives a nail into his heart and he more feels than hears himself gasp.  
There is something to be said for death; it does not expose your priorities - it drowns you in your fears. Hux’s rejection burns him on the inside. He would like to cry again but there is no mercy from your own mind and he aches for a release he knows will not come. He never knew one’s heart could hurt like this, and now that he knows he never wants to feel it again. Ever.

I, without resolution, is no longer me. I, without conviction, am lost.

Kylo can no longer remember who said those words first, or last, but it hurts more than when uncle Chewie shoot him, the feeling of a bullet entering then exiting. In. Out.

Resolution – breathe in, conviction – breathe out.

He struggles to stay, not wanting to leave, but Hux is pushing him out as if his very existence causes him unbearable pain. Kylo deserves it though, he thinks, he deserves nothing but pain just like the one now blooming in his face, side and chest. And heart. Each breath seems too shallow, too useless. Was it always this hard to breath? Was it always this hard to live? But Hux wants him... to breathe, so he breathes. Yet Hux doesn’t want him... to breathe, so...

“… not breathing...” muffled voices are drowned by shrill alarms.“… stand back...”

...resolution...conviction...

The words stand like strong supportive pillars of a temple of a thousand thoughts, keeping Kylo from losing himself as the comfort of being held is replaced by the bitter coldness of someone forcefully bending his neck back like he is a broken piece of machinery, breathing humid air into his mouth and unresponsive lungs. He gulps greedily as he feels like he is falling from a very high distance. Who will catch him? Who will find him, in this darkness? Who did? Who brought the light?

“… eral Hux, sir...”

Hux did. Hux had found him. Hux had come for him. Hux had found him in that dark forest. Hux had come himself. Himself. The thought lodge between his ribs and chafe at every single inhale, exhale.  
We can fall so far, from so close, he thinks, and he is lost and found again in the next sweet breath into his mouth.

 _Take it there, love the fear_  
_You'd be surprised_

“… heartbeat...”

The abyss, or is it Hux?, whispers to Kylo. “Your hearts willingness to die every time you fight sends shivers down my spine.” Kylo thinks he has had shivers down his spine ever since the first time Hux touched him. Kissed him. Like he is kissing Kylo now, his warm mouth on Kylo's, his warm breath inside, touching places that has never felt another’s breath. Kylo shivers, no shudders violently as he is trying to retain the warm feeling of breath in breaths and he is rewarded by an encouraging stream of words floating around him.  
“Yes, just like that...good boy...just breathe, breathe for me...” and Kylo so wants to be a good boy but as their distance increases again he thinks that you can feel so far, from so close. Then the heat leaves his mouth and he again feels so cold, so cold, like a storm on Hoth, and the last of Hux's breath dissipates from his mouth.  
  
_How good it feels_  
_To just let go_

“...blood loss... not equipped… donation… no one suitable, except...”

The peace here is not like the one in the forest. It is not drowning in infinite sadness and falling into an abysmal darkness. Here it is deafening, imposing, suffocating and luminous and Kylo is unable to shut it out. It cuts him like a grade 10 laser all the way to the back of his eyes. Kylo doesn't want to be here anymore, he wants Hux's breath again, he wants his sweet clean horizon. Kylo wants to drown in the being that is Hux, until he can no longer emerge only Kylo Ren, but something in between.

“...yes, sir, of course sir...”

You never noticed…because I never let you. Had Kylo ever told Hux? That he had been watching him too? First on the vast deck of the “Finalizer”, Hux’s stern profile against the panorama backdrop to a never ending space. Then later sneaking glances in the audience room, arguing for arguing’s sake. He had caught himself, his eyes conveniently hidden behind the mask, following every single graceful move Hux was doing, every thought on display. Watching through every dark corner, every turn of corridor, every nightmare in the darkness of his cabin. Until he had realised one day that Hux was watching him too, eagerly, intently. His heart had skipped a beat as those pure rain eyes had drizzled over his entire body. Skipped, then beaten away in his chest until he was breathless.

_And breathe, breathe with me_

“...we are losing him...”  
  
_Breathe, breathe with me_

“Oh, no, you don't, you weeping mess of a grandpa's boy. Don't you stop breathing on me, again. REN.” Something hard and un-pliant compresses his chest again and again and again until Kylo wants to beg them to stop before his heart breaks, or he vomits or... Then a warm mouth is on him again and he almost cries in joy to get such a reward even though he feel like he has done something terribly wrong, like killing his own father or fail abysmally in his mission to protect Starkiller or destroy another important console on Hux's ship and he promises that if would get such a reward every time he is bad then he is going to keep being so bad, so bad.

 _Shadows fall onto our bodies_  
_From a winter sun_

“… breathing...” Hux’s voice sounds strangely far away yet even so Kylo can hear the tired triumph echo over the sterile walls and the connections are colouring this tedious white with a rainbow of haze. So many shades of green are blending that Kylo is in awe. Anxiety. Fear. Trust. Fondness...

Kylo had tried so hard to never tell Hux, his Hux? He had tried to choke down the feelings, hiding them behind his mask, his robe, but it had only left him trembling as the secret had taken root in his body like a seed planted in winter, sprouts at the first thaw. Every time they met amid sensually vicious chaos, wrought sighs and indecent touches Kylo had discovered something he didn’t even have a name for, yet, but Hux did. He even had a colour for it. Hux had colours for everything, Kylo had seen it, seen the entire spectrum fill an otherwise monochrome world. Hux's world pulsed in light and swaying movement, not like Kylo's dreaded absorbing static. Please, could he stay? Forever?

“...insert the needle...”

Kylo's world had only started filling with more saturated hues when Hux had kissed him the first time. As if it had somehow drowned his finely tuned darkness-detectors. If Kylo had known kisses could do that then he would have started long ago. Or maybe it was only Hux's kisses that did that? There was something about him, something that had always tickled in the back of Kylo’s mind. Every time he thought he had been close to figuring it out, Hux had kissed him with such longing (or was it anger?), or touched him with such tenderness (or contempt?), or looked at him with such desire (or was it quiet rage?) that his mind had gone utterly blank. Kylo knew they shouldn't do it but his body would move on its own before his mind could think of the answer. Instead of caution, it had slowly filled him up with liquid heat stamped with the unmistaken symbol of ownership that was Hux’s. Before Kylo knew it he was marked.

 _Lace on lace in strawberry shades_  
_As we both come undone_

“...he is reacting well...”

Something new and suffocatingly warm is pounding in his veins where before there was only cutting shards of ice, poking him, prodding deep. Like when his heart was thumping away in arrhythmia at just catching sight of Hux in the sterile corridors of the “Finalizer” or trying to nod to him in polite co-leadership when Kylo’s skin tingled in anticipation. He would try so hard to concentrate but before he knew it his body would react on pure instinct and he would forcefully pull Hux into a nearby cleaning closet just to get his hands on that skin that was only hinted at under the charcoal-grey sharp uniform collar. He would rip at the fabric and suck marks on the tender skin of the throat amidst threats from a seriously pissed and highly excited Hux. “Ren, you cannot manhandle me like this. Don't ever do...” and the rest would drown in Kylo’s mouth before Hux would comply and sink into his arms and mouth like he belonged there and would never leave.

“… Don't do that to me again.” Hux voice is softer now and Kylo's heart calmer, as his mouth has gotten the taste of Hux it so needed. Like it is enough, for now.

 _Open up your world_  
_Show me the deepest secrets_

“Kiss me, Ren” Kylo had promised himself that he would never tell Hux how those three words had undone him. How he had been unravelled like that star map, coming to rest only as he had kissed Hux, like a supernova implodes. Kissed him with a fervour like his life depended on it and it had felt so right, like he belonged. Like they were two parts of the same and should never be apart again.

“Sir, he has stabilised. We can take it from here if you need to rest.”

The world goes slightly dimmer as the light leaves the medic bay.

 _I would, I'd understand_  
_Watching us burn_

He has no idea how much time has passed, it could be days, hours or minutes but he has slipped inside Hux’s mind again. He cannot help it, he is inevitably drawn there, like migrant birds know where they are born. It is again sharply blinding him with its impeccable whiteness, the razor-horizon continuing without end. Kylo is fascinated by the perfectly reflecting surface that he is standing on, marvelling at any one having such self control to even reflect back any intrusion onto the intruder himself.  
He envies Hux, wishing he himself also were as beautifully focused. Kylo’s own focus is anger and rage like… oh, just like the surprisingly violent anger now filling the void. Has Kylo brought rage into Hux? No. No, it is already here. Yes, Hux is angry, very very angry. With Kylo? The thought fills Kylo’s gut with a queasy knot.

“Fuck you Ren, fuck having been hammered by a fucking rainbow, fuck having to drag you out of that shitty forest, fuck your blood on my hand and my uniform, fuck trying to warm up your stone cold corpse with my own body, fuck your taste in my mouth, fuck this shit, fuck becoming anaemic filling you up, fuck it all, fuck Starkiller, fuck chasing a terrified Millicent through kilometers of corridors, fuck those fucking pilots, fuck snow, fuck Snoke, fuck the Republic, fuck my old man, fuck this uniform, fuck that star, fuck you all very much, fuck you for destroying everything, fuck...”

Yes, Hux is angry with Kylo but he is much angrier with the world. The thought surprises Kylo, he had selfishly believed he was the only one throwing ridiculous tantrums but here he can feel Hux's rant boiling like a volcano in ways he didn't think possible. It is confusing on so many levels. How can perfect focus burn? Yes, of course! Kylo shivers again as the thought sinks in and as he looks down again and sees his own reflection flicker he startlingly realises that he is not standing on a peaceful reflective surface. He is standing on blazing fire so hot it surpasses Starkiller, a concentrated beam so dense it reflects any light as diamonds would. It makes Kylo feel like a small calm pond in comparison.

“...fuck the Jedi, fuck the Sith, fuck that scavenger girl and fuck that sanitary guy, fuck this shitty universe and fuck the force, fuck Skywalker, fuck...”

_Into a million pieces_

Kylo finds himself ridiculously holding his breath as if it would make him all that lighter, knowing he is now threading the most dangerous place he has ever been. For Hux burns with such a cold flame it is almost colourless, and it cuts like a surgeons scalpel. Drawn across your skin you wouldn't even realise you had been cut, thinking foolishly that it missed, until small red droplets start raining from an invisible wound. Then the drops would increase in size until you have a crimson waterfall and you know that it has cut through bone and that by the time you understand it is already to late.

This is the concentrated essence of Hux and Kylo wants it, needs it, desires it with a fierceness he has never felt before, matching Hux's determination.

“...fuck obeying ridiculous orders...”

_One touch of your hand_

Hux is tugging at something inside of Kylo that he doesn’t know if he wants to acknowledge yet. Yet it fizzles between them, he can see it. Maybe this is out of his control, or maybe he wants it to be out of his control. Maybe Kylo Ren should let go. Maybe he should give away control. To Hux.

And he does.

“...fuck...oh...”

What is between them is not lukewarm, it burns his lips and engulfs his soul as if he had just jumped into an active volcano, swimming in lava. Just being in Hux's presence makes Kylo feel he is alive. Pain, peace, suffering, calm, violence, serenity, passion, fondness - all of them are drawn out by force and put on display in a struggle for dominance only to balance out perfectly.

They are now both on fire and Kylo can slowly feel how their fire is being dosed, liberated like slaves. Their individual flames merge and change colour through the entire spectrum of connections but instead of stopping at blue they continues to blaze hotter and hotter until the flame is luminous white, just like a supernova he once saw. The flame is now so pure Kylo feels like he somehow has been cleansed inside out. Like he has been forgiven. Like dark and light are extreme points on a cosmic scale and he is resting between them in perfect comfort. Nothing is pulling at him anymore, thrashing at him. He is floating in perfectly dimmed light no longer being torn apart.

Hux must have felt it too and unable to stop his curiosity he gently, as not to disturb the perfect reflection, reaches out again.

 _Breathe, breathe with me_  
_Breathe, breathe with me_

“...but mostly fuck you Kylo Ren for making me cry...”

_You can have me_

The entire medic bay lights up with warning beeps and blinking lights as Kylo drags himself out of the bed and onto the cold floor, falling to his knees when his legs give out. His emperor needs him and he is unable to stop himself from the strong compulsion to go to him. Every move forward sends bright flares of pain through his chest and obnoxious sweat drips down his temples setting his face on fire but he doesn't stop. Cords and cables tear down equipment as he drags onwards, the transfusion still lodged in his arm as he pulls it across the floor. He has almost reached the door when it slides open and Kylo can see his sad reflection in a pair of glossy expensive boots. Following them upwards Kylo just gapes as he finds his Hux standing there looking down on him with all the airs of the emperor of Kylo's galaxy.

 _Touch me slowly_  
_Kiss me softly_

“Kylo”

_Take me under_

Disarrayed hair, his usually pristine uniform jacket lacking and his bloody crumpled shirt unbuttoned to the waist, Hux is slightly breathless as if he has run, when he slowly drops to his knees and reaches out a hand to tenderly touch Kylo's cheek. Kylo instinctively reaches out for him, painstakingly dragging him into a clumsy embrace that hurts them both I more ways than one.

_Whisper loudly_

“I felt it too” soft words echo between the walls and Kylo’s heart clenches. His grip firmer around Hux’s waist, unable to let go.

 _Push into me_  
_Mark my body_

Clawing into each other for a long time they both reluctantly release slowly and sit back and Kylo cannot stop staring at the connections between them. The multitude of sizes and colours that had fascinated him so when he had seen it in Hux’s mind have given way for one single broad connection and it glows with the purest white he has ever seen, like a flawless lightsaber without beginning or end. He looks up inquisitively to ask Hux but Hux is not looking at their connection he is looking only at Kylo and his grass-green eyes are brimming with unshed tears.

“You stupid boy, what is it that you think you are you doing to me?”

_Lose control now_

Kylo doesn't know what to say to that but then Hux smiles a small soft smile, as the tears wander down his cheeks, and the next words coming out of his mouth makes Kylo smile too “I’m considering disobedience.”

_Take me over_

Kylo thinks in that moment that Hux has eyes like no other but not until they suddenly, inexplicably, change colour from luminous grass-green to a pure grey rain does he realise that Hux has heard him, even though he hasn't spoken a word out loud. Hux watches him in astonished silence for a second, understanding that Kylo has not moved his lips and then he laughs, for the first time since they met, and Kylo thinks how exquisitely beautiful and horribly frightening it is and that from now on how every breath he draws will be for this man.

_Breathe, breathe with me_


End file.
